How to eat pussy

This is a pretty funny (and by that I mean “trashy”) guide on everyone’s favorite recreation: cunnilingus!

Now here’s some advice I have for you: never under any circumstance use any of that web page’s … uh … “euphemisms” when you’re attempting to go down or be gone down upon. It will end in serious fail.

Here are a few gems:

Instead of a screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik.

Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

Once you’re done, she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate.

Weightless Sex Anyone?

With space tourism beginning to get more popular, most of you have probably been kept awake at night wondering: when will someone finally make some space porn?  Well, someone apparently tried to, but the space tourism folks declined the offer of $1M.

All things considered though, as journeys out of Earth’s gravity pull become longer and more accessible, space sex is something that will probably be pretty commonplace in the not too distant future.

Sex Toys and Adult Toys: The Bad List

So busy discussing what sex toys and adult toys are good that some of us forget to make lists of those vibrators, dildos, and other sex toys we should avoid. This is a financial thing, a performance thing, and a general dislike thing. Yes, it is a thing, the wrench in myism.

Here are the top ten toys that made my Shameful Sex Toys List:

Starting from the best of the worst …

10. Vibro-Pod

Preface: Yes, I know some of you love the Dickens out of this vibrating egg sex toy. So for some of you: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …” We all have different preferences, but the harder I tried to find something positive to say about the Vibro-Pod, the more I came to dislike this sex toy. I love my iPod as much as I love a wonderful sex toy. Why not merge the two industries for a little fun – some music to aid my masturbation. Yeah, right. If it only worked out that way.
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Two Sexy Announcements

Life is one evolving series of announcements. In keeping with the spirit of life, and hoping to keep you in tune with the latest sex-related news, I have some interesting news to share with you.

1. VibeReview, as was announced in the previous post, has several articles and reviews featured on DivineCaroline. Much like Digg and other social networking sites, DivineCaroline relies heavily on reader votes to place articles and reviews in advantageous situations for additional exposure. Put simply: The more readers hit the “I Liked It” avatar at the bottom of articles, the more exposure the article will receive.

Since many of you are VibeReview affiliates and/or reviewers, your support would be appreciated. Though your altruistic nature might be hibernating at the moment, you might also consider that each of you will benefit either directly or, more likely, indirectly by helping to promote these articles. After all, VibeReview enjoys sharing its success with affiliates and reviewers – and in a lot of different ways that may or may not go unnoticed.

Here are the articles currently on the site:

Beginner’s Sex Toy Guide
Introduction Guide to the G-Spot
Pearl Thunder Review

Please take 5-10 minutes to check out DivineCaroline and vote for all VibeReview’s content. The more popular these articles are, the more aggressive VibeReview can be with making decisions about future writers, reviewers, and so much more. We have plans, big plans for the future.

Additionally, if any of you use StumbleUpon, please take a minute to add VibeReview to your favorites page and write a 1-2 sentence review of the site. Every little bit helps.

2. Please check out and support The New York City Sex Bloggers 2009 Calendar Project. Some of the industry’s best writers and most recognized names are participating in the project, which is an extension of Sex Work 101, created by the everywhere-all-the-time, talented Audacia Ray. This exciting project aims to do away with the stigma associated with sex work while simultaneously promoting rights for sex workers.

Here is a breakdown of how you can support the project:

We’d like to offer everyone, readers and fellow bloggers, the opportunity to join in the fun and excitement, as well as promote your own blog if you have one. That means for $30 you can buy a day in our calendar and personalize it. If you’re a blogger you can have your blog url on your day, or if you’re a reader, any personal message – you can wish us luck or send a greeting to your favorite blogger or celebrate your birthday or anniversary – up to 80 characters will be printed on your day. That $30 includes one pre-ordered calendar (shipping is extra) with all funds in excess of our expenses going directly to Sex Work Awareness. You can purchase as many additional days as you like depending upon availability for $10 each. Since this is a 2009 calendar, we are on an extremely tight schedule and can only sell days through October 1st, 2008. We hope you will consider this a fun and creative way to promote your blog or just as a way to share in the pleasure and excitement this project has been bringing us in our effort to make our community and world a better, more sex-positive place to live.

So, yes. Please support this worthy cause by purchasing a calendar, writing a short post about the project and/or spreading the word to your sexy friends.

Thanks to all!

-Heather

DivineCaroline: Networking and Socializing for Women

Anyone else visit iVillage.com frequently? I used to spend hours and hours reading the pro-woman content posted on iVillage. However, in the last two or three months I realized that I was spending more and more time, trying to find an article or editorial bit that appealed to me. I don’t have enough time in my life trudge through a bunch of frogs to find the prince (or princess!).

Task. Journey. Search.

To find a new source of information. To find a community of female writers, professionals, sexual enthusiasts, intelligence, class, and maturity …

The Holy Grail of Pro-Woman Content: DivineCaroline
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Sex and Sweet Tea

So I have this new ritual of drinking sweet tea after sex.  If I try to drink it any other time, it doesn’t taste as good to me.  If I drink something else besides sweet tea after sex, whatever I chose to drink tastes horrible.  Imagine the horror I experienced two weekends ago, after returning from my trip, when I had no sweet tea in the house but had a whole lot of sex.  Robbed.  Short-changed.  That’s how I felt.

Is it strange that I’ll imagine myself drinking sweet tea right before I orgasm?  Man, I have some strange rituals.  I can’t figure out why I get stuck in these rituals.  It’s not like I set out to devote sweet tea as my after-sex drink … it just happened over a period of time.

It made me think of other strange sex-related rituals and phases of my past:

– sucking my own fingertips as I orgasm

– putting a small hand towel on the side of the bed to wipe my lover’s face

– making sure Depeche Mode Violator or Music for the Masses was playing during sex

– running around my house or apartment completely naked, making my lover chase me

– kissing the tip of my lover’s nose (gentle pecks almost obsessively)

– drinking this crazy XTC energy drink (when I lived in California) before any kind of sexual activity

– forcing my lover to lay on the floor as he makes love to me from behind, in front of a mirror

No big deal.  Nothing too shocking.  I’m sure there’s stuff I am forgetting about, but at periods of time, the above fetishes/rituals/phases added excitement during foreplay, during sex, or after sex.  Or all three.

Anyway, anyway.  Sweet Tea is my new thing and my lover knows that if I don’t get my sweet tea, I am going to kick his butt.

He came home with six gallons of sweet tea the other night.  A nice gesture, but it also meant he thought it was going to be a busy weekend.  Yikes.  Well, it wasn’t the weekend event that he probably wanted (too tired), but we had some fun, I drank my tea, and I have plenty for this week.

More Obama Bang for Your Vote

Widespread emails are circulating on the Internet that Obama has his very own celebrity sex video.   Though it would be an interesting development in this current Jerry Springer-like election, the video doesn’t exist.  Those wacky spammers never take a break, but at least they keep us entertained with fascinating subject lines and wild-ass comments. The next step is an actual video with some dude who looks like Obama.

Read More About Obama’s Fake Sex Video