Cufflinks

… and people say I’m hard to shop for.

In fact, please feel free to get me whatever you wish from All Saints Shop. It’s what the cool kids wear after we’re all grown up.

Stoned Cop

Cop eats some pot brownies and ends up freaking out and calling 911 worried that he overdosed. Apparently charges were not filed against the officer, but he was forced to resign.

I’d almost like to take a job as a 911 operator … just for a little while. I bet they hear really crazy shit like this all the time.

The Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer

The US military, concerned about the welfare of children whose parents are abroad spreading democracy (or whatever), have hit upon the brilliant idea of … wait for it … virtual parents.

The proposal outlines the idea as follows:

The child should be able to have a simulated conversation with a parent about generic, everyday topics. For instance, a child may get a response saying “I love you”, or “I miss you”, or “Good night mommy/daddy.” This is a technologically challenging application because it relies on the ability to have convincing voice-recognition, artificial intelligence, and the ability to easily and inexpensively develop a customized application tailored to a specific parent.

As fucked up as this is, I approve of this type of research. Before you say, “think of the children”, think of this: these kids are pretty much doomed anyway. Not having parents means they’ll statistically be at a disadvantage. Giving them a “friend” to talk to can’t possibly hurt, especially when one thinks of all the other internet stuff an unsupervised child might stumble upon.

And the applications could be much further-reaching than virtual parents. I’d go more into this, but your imagination is probably better than mine. Once again it seems the sci-fi writers have predicted the state of things to come.

Legal hallucinations

Here are a series of methods that will trick your brain into hallucinating. Is it just me or are some of these a little kinky?

High Kick Girl

You will now watch the trailer for High Kick Girl, after which you will want for nothing.

Related

How to eat pussy

This is a pretty funny (and by that I mean “trashy”) guide on everyone’s favorite recreation: cunnilingus!

Now here’s some advice I have for you: never under any circumstance use any of that web page’s … uh … “euphemisms” when you’re attempting to go down or be gone down upon. It will end in serious fail.

Here are a few gems:

Instead of a screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik.

Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

Once you’re done, she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate.

Siberian nuclear reactors up for grabs

There are a bunch of burned out nuclear lighthouses sitting around Siberia. Even if this sort of thing doesn’t interest you, you should still check out the fucking awesome pictures.

Let me explain. The northern coast of Russia is a really convenient shipping route. The problem is that it’s mostly in the Arctic Circle and is under complete darkness for 100 days of the year. To work around this, the Soviet Union decided to build a chain of lighthouses along the coast. Being as how the coastline is hundreds of miles away from anything resembling civilization, the Soviets opted to make the lighthouses autonomous. At the time, the best way of doing this was by powering them with a mini nuclear reactor.

After the fall of the Soviet Union, the lighthouses were mostly forgotten by the government and fell into disrepair after decades of neglect. During that time, metal looters stripped the lighthouses for copper and other valuable scrap. Unfortunately a good bit of that metal was used for shielding the reactor, and now most of the lighthouses and surrounding area are radioactive dead zones.

Smiles banned in another bold move against the terrorists

According to a recent article, Indiana BMV Communications Director Dennis Rosebrough states that applicants for a new or renewed operator’s license or state identification card will no longer be allowed to smile and say cheese. Apparently new facial recognition software being employed by the state fails to function when the face is distorted by something as innocuous as smiling. Also on the list of taboos are hats, eyeglasses, and hair that hangs down over the face.

Protip: Your facial recognition software is broken if it is foiled by something as simple as a smile. Also, I think Slash is fucked with that last sentence.

Animal kaliedoscope

Mesmerizing:

Men to be extinct real soon now

According to this, significantly fewer males are being born, and those that are have smaller genitals and lower sperm counts. This is apparently a side effect of pollution.

A host of common chemicals is feminizing males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people. Many have been identified as ‘endocrine disruptors’ or gender-benders because they interfere with hormones. Communities heavily polluted with gender-benders in Canada, Russia, and Italy have given birth to twice as many girls as boys, which may offer a clue to the mysterious shift in sex ratios worldwide. And a study at Rotterdam’s Erasmus University showed that boys whose mothers had been exposed to PCBs grew up wanting to play with dolls and tea sets rather than with traditionally male toys. It also follows hard on the heels of new American research which shows that baby boys born to women exposed to widespread chemicals in pregnancy are born with smaller penises and feminized genitals. It is calculated that 250,000 babies who would have been boys have been born as girls instead in the US and Japan alone. And sperm counts are dropping precipitously. Studies in more than 20 countries have shown that they have dropped from 150 million per milliliter of sperm fluid to 60 million over 50 years.

I’d like to think that genetic engineering your child’s gender will advance to the point where this is no longer relevant, but still… kind of ominous.

Here’s something fun

Nine scientists and one sci-fi writer made predictions on how the world will likely end. Volcanoes, asteroids, and alien attacks are all represented. Interestingly though, nobody makes any mention of global thermonuclear war. We still have all those bombs, remember?

People love us

This came over email earlier today:

What is it with you supid Americanes and the Shipping ? Why do you don’t ship to my Country. You hafe no balls and you are all homosexulle. Why cannot do you recherche you did you would be knowing that I do Not make fraud. you think every body not american is Froud!

if you hate other Country so much why do you not go to the Hell and kiss his ass ? I know why, because you are Big Fat Pussy! you are in a Big Trobule now fore I am Very Big Hacker and i can attack you in cyberspace. you better scared asshole!

get your gives correct in the future. my country dose many goods in this world we will personal cure cancer and sida with a fondation.

This is good new for you fucking gay american bastard.

-Rachel

I love this job. Srsly.

The VibeReview Winter Sale

There’s a really good sex toy sale going on at VibeReview in honor of the always-entertaining U.S. economy. Almost everything on the site is 10-35% off, with the majority of discounts in the 20-25% range. This is honestly a great time to pick something up if you’ve had a new toy on your mind.

Read more here

Tina Turner Redux

Presenting Tina Turner live in New York:

tina_turner

There’s so much I could say here, but it just seems redundant.

Pop culture

Here’s something a little more fucked up than usual:

Note: if you turned it off after the first few seconds, you missed the point completely.

Goth Punk Barbie

From that festering pit of vipers, that den of the blackest sin, that sanctuary of immortal night (also known as the Hard Rock Cafe), comes Goth Punk Barbie.

gothbarbies

This is an official Mattel-licensed product, complete with corset, fishnets, and spider necklace. If the original Barbie turned a whole generation of young girls into self-loathing pro-anorexics, I hate to think how they’ll turn out after Goth Punk Barbie’s left her mark.

secret-snowflake.com is up!

I’ve been laying low for the last few days trying to complete a new project.

It’s ready and you will now go see it at www.secret-snowflake.com.

It’s basically a website to take all the legwork out of doing a secret santa gift exchange. You know, like collecting people’s names, contacting everyone with the matchups, etc. It’s free to use, and it won’t spam you or any other such nonsense.

Check it out. Tell all your friends.

Last call

The total cost of the bailout, including the Citi bailout, now exceeds $4.6165 trillion dollars. To keep the units consistent with the stats below, let’s call it $4,616.5 billion dollars. At this point, it’s pretty much all monopoly money, but here are some other big number to put it in perspective:

• Louisiana Purchase: Cost: $15 million, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $217 billion
• S&L Crisis: Cost: $153 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $256 billion
• The New Deal: Cost: $32 billion (Est), Inflation Adjusted Cost: $500 billion (Est)
• Invasion of Iraq: Cost: $551b, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $597 billion
• Vietnam War: Cost: $111 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $698 billion

More at the Boing Boing

Single in the city

Check out this interactive map with interesting singles stats based on age and region.

Ladies: After your mid 40’s, you will be fighting tooth and nail for the nine or ten single men.

Gents: Single men become a rare commodity later in life, and we all know what happens then. They don’t call it Perfectly Inelastic Supply for nothing!

Gals: Do single young girls exist? Not according to math! Fact: around 1/3 of 20-24 year old women are married. Only 70% are single!

Guys: Again, fact: Only 1/5 of men are married by age 24. 80% single! Like suburban deer, there are too many of you in relation to your prey, and you’re destroying each others’ game. Older, wiser deer who don’t spend their time doing kegstands are snapping up your lady-foliage.

Japanese Loli Dolls

More evidence that Japan is the weirdest place on earth:

lolitanekkid031308

We can has pareidolia now?

Pareidolia describes a psychological phenomenon involving some kind of vague sounds or images being perceived as significant. Common examples include images in clouds, the man in the moon, and satanic incantations on Judas Priest records played backwards.

A site for the nerdy weird among us brings us this example:

unexplainedface

It’s nothing but an old and decaying photograph of a couple AND HOLY SHIT IS THAT JESUS? How the fuck did he get in there? The good lord’s been making a number of miraculous appearances lately, but this stark resemblance on a photograph shows that he’s been doing it for far longer than ebay’s been around to provide publicity.

Oh, but what’s this? Someone added some color to the photograph, resulting in this interesting change:

jesussimpsonized

From this we learn that baby + bushes = Jesus. Kinda interesting, right?

Russian Bear Vodka

Do you read russian?

1

But what lurks in the mirror? Better put those beer goggles on – it’s a trick!
2

Subliminal liquor ads sure have lost their sex appeal, don’t you think?

Bellhops and Bellevue

bellevue_gate

Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital, the Bellevue that for 78 years has stood, gloomy and gated, on 30th and First, the Bellevue made infamous in movies and nightmares, the forbidding destination for so many celebrated and notorious New Yorkers that it stands as a chilling landmark: the Chelsea Hotel of the mad.

Bellevue, a decaying remnant whose stark shell stands as a testimonial to the Dickensian life of old New York, is now going to be renovated as a luxury hotel. New York Magazine takes us through the legendary hotel’s notorious past in a truly amazing essay.

I have a friend who works at Bellevue and late one night I was given a tour. It was like something that might have been cooked up by David Lynch and Dario Argento on a bad acid trip together. The patients were drifting around the hallways in a Thorazine haze and looked completely batshit. The building was so bleak and dismal it just added to the terror, and around every turn I kept expecting to see Nurse Ratched presiding over a broom closet lobotomy or something. Seriously freaky place.

A Good Idea

Owe someone money? Here’s a good idea.

spider-1

Read the rest here.

Emilie Autumn Live NYC 2008 Review

This is an example of what I did NOT see

This is an example of what I did NOT see

Emilie Autumn’s 2008 show in NYC was one of the worst evenings I’ve ever had the displeasure of sitting through.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with her music, she’s basically a violinist, though she can also play harpsichord, guitar, and viola; and has composed music for cello and bass. She’s been playing violin since age four and was considered something of a child prodigy.  She went on to be admitted into several prestigious music schools, but her tenure at same was abbreviated due to her unwillingness to conform to the musical and aesthetic tastes of her professors.  Oh, and she’s also a pretty damn good costume designer as well.

So why the harsh criticism of the show?  Well, it’s like this: I went to go and see an accomplished violinist.  Instead I saw five girls on stage singing while Vogueing and waving their arms around.  The more astute among you may have noticed that there’s something missing from that description: I didn’t say anything about any instruments.  That’s because, except for one song where Emilie played her violin, there were no instruments at this concert. The girls were all singing along to a karaoke machine.  The reason I knew they were singing, and not lip-syncing, is because of the atrocious feedback that persisted, more or less, throughout the whole set.

This performance was more like something that some sad little black emo kids in highschool might have done in their talent show.  I shall now attempt, dear readers, to enumerate some of the things they did.  In this way do I intend for you to suffer as I did:

  • Touching of One’s Forehead with the backside of One’s Hand, whilst rolling Both Eyes Heavenward, evoking Tragedy of Epic Proportion
  • Providing the Masses with a Benediction in the form of Several Stars, covered with Glittery Paint, Hung from a String, Attached to the Ends of Rods, thence to be Waved About over the Audience’s Heads
  • Swaying and Stumbling, as though Overcome by some Dark Madness
  • Elegantly Waving and Posing with Feathers, Scarves, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals and other Accoutrements
  • Rehearsed Flirting with the Audience, reminiscent of what One might find in a House of Ill Repute

The whole time I felt like I was watching some female Spinal Tap, certain that at any moment Druids or a Stonehenge or some shit would appear on stage.  I kept wanting to laugh, but then stopped out of shame at actually having bought a ticket to this mess.

They were essentially trying to do something Victorian, but they are not actors and it was overdone to the point of embarrassment.  And, unfortunately, since there were no instruments, this absurd performance is all I am able to review.

Update: Thanks to whoever linked to this on Emilie Autumn’s site.  I’d recommend against reading the comments here unless you just want to hear a bunch of whiny art school dropouts tell me how wrong I am and how kareoke singalongs are actually what real concerts are supposed to be like.

America’s first genderqueer mayor

Stu Rasmussen won the office of mayor in the town of Silverton, Oregon as a traditional male. During his two term tenure as mayor, Stu began openly crossdressing on a daily basis. Today he wears a skirt and high heels. He has breast implants, and long red hair. You’d think this might be a career killer, but in his case it wasn’t. The town completely supported and embraced him while he was making his transition, ultimately re-electing Stu and making him the first openly genderqueer mayor in America.

From the article:

“I identify mostly as a heterosexual male,” Rasmussen said. “But I just like to look like a female.”
Rasmussen is a man. He even has a girlfriend. He says he’s always been transgender, but he only “came out” a few years ago.

This really couldn’t have come at a better time, what with this Prop 8 rubbish and all.

Meet the BoozBot

Jeff Crouse from NYC’s Eyebeam collective has created a robot that serves drinks. There’s one important difference between this so called “BoozBot” and all the other ones that have been popping up in hackers’ dorm rooms. Namely, the BoozBot banters with the customers and it’s actually a pretty cool idea. Video here:

BoozBot Demo

The “AI” is, of course, bullshit. There’s a man behind the curtain; computers are just not able to do this type of thing yet. Still though, it’s a pretty cool party trick.

We did it!

I’ve never seen so many people take to the streets in joyous jubilation for anything political. Things are off the hook here in NYC. Union Square was so packed that people were crowd surfing in the middle of the square along 14th st. Police were unprepared for the crowd, so they had to make do with rolling out that plastic chickenwire stuff to keep people from spilling out into the street. A couple of the streetlamps were trashed because some assholes were climbing up them and swinging. People breaking out into spontaneous chants and songs.  Hippies making drum circles with garbage can lids.  Completely insane.

History has been made – and I’m proud to be an American for the first time in years.

Merkley may not be god, but at least he’s real

Today I discovered Merkley.  Merkley is not a photographer who’s even more over-the-top than David LaChappelle.  I shall now present the irrefutable evidence of said claim:

Exhibit A

Heron – Stands Braced Before a Mirrored Medicine Cabinet & Milk Producing Faucet In a Banana Strewn Bathroom as The Descent Of Man By Charles Darwin Teeters Precariously Over a Contemplative Blonde Monkey Soaking in The Shitter

2502042606_1dabcae562

Exhibit B

Sylvia – Sending Mixed Messages With a Nut Cracker, a Face Blocking “Puppy With Kiss” Valentines Balloon, Jewish Underpants, German Wieners & a Cigarette While Un-Lady-Like Posing On a Very Romantic Italian Car With “JOMO” (Spanish for HOMO) Vanity Plates

2263994327_986b6bb622

Exhibit C

Sylvia – Simultaneously Flipping Her Hair and Her Sausages While The Dog Hopes For a Mishap and The Oven Laughs About Something Amusing Happening Off Camera Just Over Your Right Shoulder

423143588_f0101a3287

You can see more of his images. Oh – he also wants you to buy his book.

Sisters of Mercy – 2008 Tour – NYC Irving Plaza

patriciaThe Sisters of Mercy is one of my favorite bands.  I have all of their albums, several of the live videos, and know the lyrics to almost of their songs.  I bought tickets to their 2008 tour at Irving Plaza in NYC hoping for the best.

The lineup was the following: Andrew Eldritch; Docktor Avalance (a drum machine) which was responsible for the drums, bass, and keyboard; and two unknown guitarists.

I’ll start with the guitarists.  Raised from the ashes of Poison, fermented in the fumes of RATT, and breaking through the wind of Grim Reaper – these guitarists were pure cock rock. They did all of the following: windmill guitar strumming, synchronized pointing and winking at each other, hair flips, and pelvis thrusts. The overall suck of this was amplified by the feeling that they were not even playing their instruments. The good Docktor took over so much of the music that there were times when it felt like the (real) band should have been playing, but the guitarists were doing nothing more than winking, posturing, and doing tight little pirouettes.  This is why I mostly avoid going to see shows with laptop bands.

Andrew Eldritch, at least, was real.  His voice is shot to shit, but there was no way it was being faked.  On the other hand, he was constantly being overpowered by the backup singer (one of the guitar players) who belted out lyrics like a drunken fratboy at a cheap kareoke bar.

Overall this was a complete failure.  It’s obvious that they are hurting for money and they’re biting the silver bullet.  Seriously guys – you had your day in the sun.  Now record something new, or go get day jobs like the rest of us who learned that you can’t fake being a rockstar.