The Skinny 911

Multiple contributors trying to coexist. Trying. Succeeding. Then, trying again. So the cycle continues.

All with different backgrounds, preferences, beliefs, and life experiences. Not really an experiment, because everyone is cool wit’ everyone.

Confrontation is healthy, productive, and cathartic, and is a requirement for personal growth. We make fun of one another and encourage you, the reader, to make fun of us – either individually or collectively.

Come frolic in our Narcissistic Wonderland.

The low-down and down-low:


The loveliest lady of all time. The next Audrey Hepburn, the young one (none of that On Golden Pond nonsense). Aspiring actress stuck in bad porn? I think not! Come to think of it, I probably have more in common with a horrible porn actress than Audrey Hepburn – my acting abilities are largely absent, but I can fake one mean orgasm with the right guy! I am accepting applications for upcoming auditions. If I fake it, you don’t make it. The cut, that is. I am an equal opportunity lady. I share my love with men, women, and silicone sex toys. I sometimes like all three at the same time! Beautiful, daring, flirtatious, and always right. That sums me up. I am your 2+2 = 4, a perfect equation. (Why does this sound like a dating profile? Ugh.)

Favorite Sex Position: Missionary Position

Favorite Porn Movie: School of Hard Cocks

Favorite Sex Toys: Miracle Massager, Iris, and Vibe Rabbit

Favorite Adult Actress: Myself (Do home movies count?)

Favorite Musicians: John Butler Trio, Eddie Vedder, Jackie Greene, Jackson Browne, and Jay-Z

Favorite Poet: T.S. Elliot


I went to some catholic school back in 1992 with Dimitri. I work out too much, always getting injured. Recently adopted both of my nephews and learned about catching colds, the flu, pink eye, and more! Oh, the joys of raising children. I generally won’t stop talking about TOOL, the most overrated band of all bands. I look like I’d listen to Flock of Seagulls while wearing a top hat, drinking Squirt, and giving a thumbs up to the local Baptist putting up car-sized crucifix in his front yard. When irritated my face contorts into strange shapes and my voice quivers to a stutter. I play guitar, write poetry, and have a fantasy about Miss Piggy that I’ll kindly not discuss in any great detail. Well, if you ask me nicely, I’ll tell you in secret. Shh.

Favorite Sex Position: Sitting in my work chair, looking at the computer

Favorite Porn Movie: My home movies

Favorite Sex Toys: Jenna Jameson Private Parts and Bliss Love Ring

Favorite Adult Actress: Jenna Jameson and Janine

Favorite Musicians: TOOL, Jane’s Addiction, Deftones, Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals, Damien Rice, Pearl Jam, Led Zeppelin, John Lennon, Odis Redding, Jimi Hendrix, and Robert Johnson

Favorite Poet: Wordsworth

Favorite Writers: David Sedaris and Kurt Vonnegut


i come from the land of the great beyond and am headed to the land of the far away.
i have destroyed the last of mine enemies and now seek new lands to plunder.
if i ever meet you i will bite your head off, devour your immortal soul, stomp on your house,
and belch fire across the graveyard.
love, dimitri

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