Sex Toys and Adult Toys: The Bad List

So busy discussing what sex toys and adult toys are good that some of us forget to make lists of those vibrators, dildos, and other sex toys we should avoid. This is a financial thing, a performance thing, and a general dislike thing. Yes, it is a thing, the wrench in myism.

Here are the top ten toys that made my Shameful Sex Toys List:

Starting from the best of the worst …

10. Vibro-Pod

Preface: Yes, I know some of you love the Dickens out of this vibrating egg sex toy. So for some of you: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …” We all have different preferences, but the harder I tried to find something positive to say about the Vibro-Pod, the more I came to dislike this sex toy. I love my iPod as much as I love a wonderful sex toy. Why not merge the two industries for a little fun – some music to aid my masturbation. Yeah, right. If it only worked out that way.

The Vibro-Pod, claimed to be a hassle-free sex toy, is nothing but a distraction while rubbing, massaging, and vibrating my clit. The musical beats do not synchronize with the vibrations resonating in the egg vibrator. Not only is this sex toy not powerful enough, all the cords got in the way of a good time. A good sex toy shouldn’t require a textbook of instructions to operate. What looks like a simple, easy to use vibrator is actually a pain in the ass. Egg vibrators … well, are staple sex toys for most women. I still use them, even after years of playing with adult toys, frequently during foreplay (on myself and my male lover) and sex. This is one of those clever ideas that doesn’t materialize into a user-friendly sex toy. Cool concept, poor execution. Try the Berry Delight instead.

9. Mini-Vibro Dolphin

I dislike this clit vibrator on so many levels that I am determined to spend less time discussing it. I cannot see how anyone – novice or professional – would get a kick out of this toy. Aesthetically it doesn’t even register in my mind. When I received a sample for this sex toy years back, I started laughing out loud. I must admit that I’m not the lover of dolphins that some of my friends are, but even if I had been, or were, a lover of dolphins, I would have felt slighted by the cheapo design and gross misrepresentation of this aquatic mammal.

Fine. So looks aren’t everything all the time. Moving right along … except that there is nothing to positive to say about its performance either. So this ugly statuesque dolphin sort of vibrates and is supposed to tickle my clitoris. It just pissed me off with its slow-building vibrations, body gyrations, and lame texture. This woman’s clit wasn’t happy: “What are you trying to do to me … bounce your way into my heart, like a pigeon pecking away at crumbs on the ground. Get down there and do it right!” Never happened, into the trash, forgotten about. I recommend trying the Pocket Rocket Booster as an alternative. A much, much better alternative, albeit a more expensive one.

8. Ruby Slipper

If shoving a baton or candle stick into your purr-too-tuty sounds like a blast, then the Ruby Slipper is right up your alley – though it will never come close to mine again. This glass dildo is one of the more frustrating sex toys I’ve tested out, because it has so much potential in terms of its unique design: size, shape, and texture. ‘Denied Pleasure’ should be inscribed on the shaft of this glass sex toy – that’s really how I felt after laying down with it for a good thirty minutes.

It doesn’t warm up or cool off like quality glass dildos, but I figured, hey, it still has something to offer. Wrong. Bored out of my mind, I pushed it in and out. Sometimes slow, sometimes fast, sometimes hard, sometimes soft. Nothing, no real pleasure experienced. I gave up, but kept it under my mattress as my very own miniature glass baseball bat. Someone screws with me while I am sleeping and he or she will get this sucker crammed up his or her nose. Can’t have enough protection around the house. Forget about this boring sex toy and go with the Cyberglass Felicity.

7. Smooth Tool

I am very particular about the anal sex toys I play with. I don’t want monster dongs, dildos, penises, or whatever roaming around in my backyard. From time to time, during intense arousal, I’ve been known to stray from this personal declaration, but it doesn’t happen frequently – and usually only when I’ve been drinking. But as a woman who loves double-penetration, I must confess how much I enjoy my lover using an anal dildo or probe on me while he penetrates my wet vagina. Wow, I get off so hard when I feel both a penis and dildo in both sweet spots. The Smooth Tool ruined one of these erotic nights.

My lover grabs the Smooth Tool by accident (too many toys laying on the bed and I am blindfolded), puts some lube on it, and gently pushes it inside of me. He gets me on all fours, slides his penis inside of my vagina, and starts pushing the Smooth Tool deeper into my ass. I am getting it, feeling it, and then … the damn toy starts bending to much, sort of pinching me in the process. Then the damn toy, as my lover pushes it deeper and faster, rips slightly – which I can feel as it goes in and out of me. Of course, this was not a comfortable feeling, much less a pleasurable one. It didn’t hurt me or anything, but it sure zapped the moment. Too flexible, too long, and probably too wide for the casual anal adventurer. I know women and men who like it, but I suggest trying the ugly, yet fantastic Twist.

6. Booty Balls

I had such high hopes and unreasonable expectations for Booty Balls, all because I adore the word “booty”. I am goofy like that, as some of you know. I get caught up on silly details that have nothing to do with how a toy performs. In this case, I wanted so badly to like this anal sex toy because of its name that I kept playing with it over a period of weeks. (Come on, be honest. How cool does it sound to tell a friend, “Yo, check it, check it. Go get some Booty Balls if you want a good anal sex toy.”) Yes, I am strange like that.

So … anyway, this toy sucks the big one. The balls are too hard, the wrist strap is anything but reliable, and the balls don’t increase or decrease in size, which helps my poor tushy adjust slowly to something being inserted into it. From small to large … that’s what I like the best. Determined to make this toy work for me, believing my poor tushy would adjust after using it for a while, I kept plugging away. It was cool to use when someone went down on me, but beyond oral sex, not much there. Go for the Flexi Felix or Buzz Beads instead. Both are perfect toys for anal penetration during sex or oral sex. (Tip: Try to use Buzz Beads on your inexperienced male lover. Perfect introduction to prostate milking or prostate massage.)

5. Waterproof Clitoral Hummer

Are you kidding me? Is this supposed to be a sex toy? It looks like a friggin’ plastic flute that produces sour notes. This sex toy is supposed to be a clitoral vibrator, but it sure as hell didn’t bless my clit with anything special. Awkward as it is ugly, trying to figure out how best to play with this sex toy was an event itself. Swear, I must have worked up a gym-like sweat trying to position myself over the toy just right. Problem: “Just right.” Who wants to spend time trying to make a toy work in one particular situation? No thanks.

I considered throwing this sex toy inside of my gorgeous aquarium. Sort of looks like a sunken ship. Alas, I threw it away the same day I got it. I could recommend your fingers as an improvement to it. No, seriously. Your tired, wandering fingers would be a drastic improvement to the Waterproof Clitoral Hummer. I still haven’t figured out where why “hummer” was used to describe this toy. Putter, perhaps – not hummer. Spend extra money for the Miracle Massager or Hitachi Magic Wand for an erotic clitoral stimulation experience.

4. Sensual Bath Buddy

For Pete’s sake, with all the inner strength hidden inside, I shout from the rooftops: “The Sensual Bath Buddy blows!” What a horrible waterproof sex toy. The first time I saw it I wondered how well it would work. I had my doubts, but I like to see for myself. No reason to slam a sex toy before actually trying it out. So one morning I felt like playing in the shower. A quick rub and massage of my my clit, to start my day off right. I finally get the toy to start vibrating, put it on my tooty, and felt a slight vibration. I move it around in circles, squeeze the toy’s foam body for more direct vibrator to clit contact. Not much happens.

Screw it. Chunked the sex toy over the shower’s glass door, grabbed the retractable shower nozzle, and let the water stream on my clit and put the nozzle head directly on my clit. Orgasmed in, like, two minutes or so. Not the ideal orgasm but sure beat using this throw away sponge, which is too rough for cleaning my downstairs anyway. Total waste of money. Waterproof sex toys are cool, so don’t be alarmed by this one: there are plenty of wonderful waterproof vibrators to choose from. The Water Rose is a favorite shower sex toy that I use.

3. Sila-Gel Dil

Horrible sex toy. Poorly made dildo. Just sucks. It looks like a winner with all the textured veins and pronounced dildo head (glans extraordinaire). Since it is classified as a realistic dildo, I somewhat expected it to feel like the real thing. I love me some realistic dildos – how this type of sex toy looks and feels. It looks the part, but plays the antagonist in my sexual dreams. It bends awkwardly once inserted to the mid-shaft area.

The tip feels like a real penis head, but once the toy is pushed deeper, it has too much give that causes an uncomfortable sensation. Similar to how a flaccid penis feels. Some women like those kinds of sensations, so I assume some women will enjoy this dildo. The vibrations are weak, the knob controller is too difficult to use without stopping and starting, and the texture has a slimy-like feeling to it. My Champ puts the Sila-Gel Dil where it belongs … in the trash.

2. Heart Shaped Four-Way

Supposed to be the next generation of butterfly strapon vibrators, the Heart Shaped Four-Way got a lot of attention on VibeReview. It doesn’t have a poor rating by most people or in the editorial review. Maybe I am the exception to the rule with this sex toy, but I cannot stand playing with it. Like the previously mentioned Vibro-Pod, this butterfly sex toy is a real pain in the rear end to play with. The manufacturer claims it stimulates multiple erogenous zones, though the only thing it stimulated for me … was my curiousity, wondering who in the world would enjoy it.

Decent vibrations but lacking a well-designed dildo shaft, the Heart Shaped Four-Way didn’t do anything special but waste my precious time. I don’t like my sexual urges to be interrupted by crappy sex toys. Sadly, this particular sex toy became an obsession for me: Why are so many other women enjoying this sex toy? Try, try, try … and then throw my arms up and say, “Nah, no more. I am giving this sex toy more chances than I ever have one of my boy toys.” Ugh. I can’t recommend a good butterfly sex toy because I am just not a fan of them. If you want a good strapon and harness, though, you could try the Flame Harness Kit.

1.Love Bug

The Love Bug is no lover of mine. I don’t want it near my cherished vaginal treasure. Out of habit, testing new VibeReview sex toys, I spent some intimate moments with this cheaply made, poorly designed rabbit vibrator. Say, oh … like, a total of two minutes before I immediately threw it away. Jelly sex toys don’t scare me as much as this material scares some people. Worst case scenario, I can roll a condom over the shaft and go at it like a wild woman in heat, which is what I did with the Love Bug.

The chemical aroma wasn’t as bad as some phthalate-containing sex toys I’ve tested out, so that wasn’t the major issue. It simply did not have the power nor firmness needed to get me off. I liked how the dildo was designed (I get off on realistic looking dongs), but it didn’t feel real inside of me. The clit vibrator sucked, big time. Getting off with this toy was more of a challenge than getting off with a love a doll. Wasn’t meant to be. And though some of our reviewers actually enjoyed the toy, I couldn’t get on board. In fact, I couldn’t get on board because I was, in fact, bored. Save your money, avoid this toy … maybe try the phthalate-free Japanese G-Spot Squirmy instead.

There you have it. I plan on posting Good and Bad lists over the coming months. Maybe it will help someone avoid purchasing a dud. I hope this list is helpful, but there are many, many other sex toys I could add to it, and toys that I will add later. Sex toys are like anything else: some are downright a gift from heaven, others a complete joke. If you have any “worst toys” not on the list, feel free to add them in your comments.

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8 Comments

  1. OK the vibro dolphin made me LOL. And I am a lover of dolphins but this toy looks ridiculous. My fave “rabbit” type vibrator is the Rosebud made by Vibratex.

  2. The Venus Butterfly is another crappy toy IMHO. I didn’t fit me at all and chafed, the penis part was short and barely penetrated and the clit snuggler never got even close. Great list! Thanks~

  3. […] the Accidental Blowjob we have the Bad List: “So busy discussing what sex toys and adult toys are good that some of us forget to make […]

  4. Thanks for the comments.

    Mina: That vibrator is a joke. Sad as it is, there are plenty of toys like it. My favorite rabbit vibrator … uh, well … probably the Mary Mermaid, Vibe Rabbit, and Pearl Thunder. It changes so often that I have a difficult time claiming one as a favorite.

    Domina: Yesh, I tried that toy when it first came out. None of the butterfly style vibrators have worked out for me. The Hypersonic Bunny, though, is a good clit vibrator with harness straps, but I lost interest in it pretty quickly.

    I plan on creating a list of overrated sex toys, too – something about how certain sex toys with name recognition aren’t as good as people say. A lot of this is subjective and preference, but I don’t mind sharing my experiences with these toys.

    My best of the best list … save it for last. These lists are constantly evolving, too.

    -Heather

  5. […] Sex Toys and Adult Toys: The Bad List […]

  6. […] The Accidental Blowjob: Sex Toys and Adult Toys: The Bad List […]

  7. […] Sex Toys and Adult Toys: The Bad List […]

  8. […] the Accidental Blowjob we have the Bad List: “So busy discussing what sex toys and adult toys are good that some of us forget to make […]


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