not dead yet

So apparently there’s been an epidemic of STDs going around retirement communities and nursing homes. Speculation has led to two sources: availability of Viagra; and a lack of sexual education, namely post-menopausal women thinking they don’t need to use protection.


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  1. Wrinkled pink parts in motion. Gotta love the sexual ambition of elderly folk.

    A trip: what if the pharmaceutical companies made a condom for old people that, on the interior portion, secreted the Viagra formula in a topical-like manner – removing the need to take a pill while at the same time making condoms a convenient method of erection enhancement and STD prevention. One issue, I would think. If the interior is wet, it becomes slippery, so it might slip off – or some of the formula might leak out during intercourse inside of a woman (or man). My solution is this … Anyone who wears this Viagra condom must wait 10 minutes before penetrating his partner, allowing the penis enough time to safely absorb the topical gel/liquid.

    2008 STD Medical Conference, Washington D.C.


    “Mr. President, now that you’ve attended the conference, what will you and your administration discuss about STD prevention, particularly as it concerns prevention in elderly communities?”


    “We work hard. Sometimes even six hours a day. We will not stop fighting this evil disease. Not until it is finally ejaculated.”


    “President Bush, I am confused. Did you mean to say “eradicated?” instead of “ejaculated”?


    “Yes, we plan on eradicating ejaculation with the hardest work imaginable. My administration and this country believe abstinence is the key to preventing the spread of sexually transcommunicated diseases.”


    “Do you see any important connection between Viagra’s popularity and this current increase in STDs within elderly communities?”


    “These old people, God Bless ’em. The Lord saideth, “Go forth and multiply.” This is America, damn it!”


    “Sir, you do realize that it is virtually impossible for older women to ‘multiply’, as you just suggested. And doesn’t that message contradict your policy of supporting abstinence programs, while largely dismissing the effectiveness of prevention programs?”


    “I see we have a trickster here, don’t we?”

    (Chuckles to himself)

    “Prevention is for dummies. Momma didn’t raise no dummy. I’m not no dummy. Everyone knows that abstinence is the right choice. Just keep the tally-whacker on locked down. Educations can goes only so far. Peoples has to make right decisions.”


    “Mr. President, you are connected to Viagra through campaign contributions. Correct? What would you say about Viagra interfering with a policy that promotes abstinence to prevention? Do you see a conflict of interest?”


    “People should keep buying Viagra if it works for them. Hell, I’d get excited if some granny-knocker slipped me a V-Bomb in my grape juice. You ain’t seen bombs like the ones I can drop!”

    (Flying kernel of corn, half-eaten, hits reporter in the face, as the President rubs his belly and laughs.)

    “You liberal media people, your smarts. So cuntingly mischievous with your words and ways. Old people get sick and die. That’s what they do. A few STDs aren’t going to change that.”


    “I just want to clarify your – ”


    “Simmer down, hot top. Keep a lid on it. Discharge. That’s what we are talking about I’ll get my people together with their people and we will discharge a plan of action. It is a statastastical human fact that old people die before young people, so we should focus on penetrating college girls and guys with our plan of action. No STD LEFT BEHIND. Spread it.”


    “It sounds like you are advocating a policy that aims to promote sex with college men and women, and then encouraging people to spread STDs. Certainly this is not what you meant, Mr. President.”


    If I had a Texas toe for every time you twisted my words. I am saying that my administration will stop at nothing to educate our college students about the threat of sexual terrorism, these STDs. Our solution is to promote abstinence, preach the Word of God, and watch fruit-filled relationships grow in large.”

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