Love/Lust.

You know what they always say, that love and sex can be separated. But where do you draw the line?

Let me ask a question, and this is for both the men and ladies:

Let’s say, you are married to someone you consider your best friend. You both love each other, have a loving family complete with the requisite children and pets, nice car, wonderful home.

But the one problem is that, the sex just isn’t working. Because of work you spend your days apart and when you both get together, your partner doesn’t seem to get turned on enough to want to fuck.

But you love your partner so much and you really want them to experience the joys of sex, even if its not with you. So you allow your partner to go find other people to have fun with, on the one condition that they are discreet and play it safe.

Of course, the same goes for you.

My question here is, can you really bear to see someone you love so much fuck someone else, with your blessings?

Before anyone gives an off the cuff answer like how an open relationship is ideal and how you’d like something like that to happen. Think again. If you love someone that much to want them to be happy, doesn’t the territorial instinct somehow kick in? Then how does it balance out, the same territorial instinct and the immense love and concern you have for your partner?

Sounds inherently contradictory, but I can see some sense in that, although just a little.

But what do you think? Comments and emails please 🙂

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26 Comments

  1. i couldnt and wouldnt allow it. of course, in a perfect world, if i am not getting any, i would get it somewhere else, discreetly of course. double standards, yes. realistic, yes. idealistic, no.
    and i can bet a month’s wages that whoever says that they can tolerate is basically, all talk only. in the asian context at least.

  2. I suspect that for most people, at some point, the sex doesn’t seem that important anymore. I don’t think it ever really stops being a part of their lives, but it just isn’t the main factor keeping their marriages together.

    This may seem hard to fathom at this point in your life, but I think there is some truth there. If you have any good friends in their 40s or 50s, just ask them. They’re still perfectly happy, and they’re probably not be getting their rocks off as frequently as in their younger days.

  3. Hmmm… I guess guys being guys will say “I’ll go find someone, but I expect her to be faithful”. Selfish? We all are, I guess.

  4. For me, I cant accept the one i loved, fucking another person, and me doing the same thing.
    Though without sex, is equally torturing.

    So, try before marriage? :p
    but such thing, really hard to say. Believed, there should be ways to entice both parties to be interested in sex, again?

  5. I got to admit that as open minded as I can be, I cannot allow my spouse to fuck another woman, like, he’s mine and I don’t wanna share with anybody else. I also won’t find another man just to fuck, that’ll be somehow of a betrayal.

    But when we are apart and we feel the need… that’ll make just a little sense?

  6. TKS: true that after a while sex matters lesser in an older, more mature relationship than in a younger one. but while this may be so, wouldn’t you agree that it is hard to imagine your wife with someone else, even though he does so at your encouragement?

    JW: I don’t know actually. It is even possible to be so lin love with a person but not want him as badly sexually? Maybe the intellectual attraction far exceeds the sexual one but still..

    AL & Kian: i agree its hard, but then again, like I asked, is it possible to love someone so much, that you connect on so many different levels, but just not the sex?

    paradox: I don’t know if being apart would justify having sex with someone else. I don’t use the word adultery or betrayal here because we’re talking about alot of different scenarios. if two people agree that, because they spend so many days apart they allow each other to find other means to satisfy themselves sexually, then that isn’t much of a betrayal is it? but if there is no aforementioned agreement, then things get a little tricky.

    of course, if humans can really separate love and lust, then where is the problem in allowing your wife/husband to fuck another person just so long as at the end of the day, you know you are the person she will come back to?

  7. The crux for me is being discreet about it, I always believe that what you don’t know will not kill you. Monogamy is a product of the modern society, it’s gives pple the false idea that one man must only have one women, or the other way around. It’s a matter of mindset, would I be upset if I know that my husband is fucking someone else? of course, but being upset does not solve the issue, thinking about why he have to do it is a step in the right direction.

    A relationship is so much more than sex, if that’s the only part that is unsatisfactory, why not get outside help? We get outside help for everything, from maids to drivers to tutors, why not sex?

    And I think the problem is not territorial instinct vs love, it’s a matter of trust, coz we are so conditioned by conventional societal ideas that we cannot trust our belief that our partner will still come back to you at the end of the day.

  8. You see, the point is not about monogamy, nor about having trust in the partner.

    It is essentially about loving a person enough that, even though they cannot get the best sex from you, you explicitly allow them to go out and get some in their own way. Which is basically what we call an open relationship.

    But this open relationship I’m talking about is a little one sided. Assuming you don’t get all the action but your partner does. This is only because your partner doesn’t feel turned on enough by you and in order to want them to experience a proper sexual experience, the only way you see it is for them to go out and get some, with your explicit approval.

    My question here is, is it possible for a person to love his/her partner so much to allow this to happen?

  9. This is one scenario in which 1 + 1 is not equals to 2. To start with, how is this scenario even possible?

  10. Loving is never unconditional…No matter how much it seems that way initially. Ultimately, your own ego, desires, selfishness and love for yourself comes through first. Then comes the aspect of intelligence, I doubt any self respecting person would allow such a thing to happen to the person he/she loves soo dearly. Hence unless a relationship is that open until, to them love doesnt equate to or lead to sex, then perhaps its plausible.

  11. From the way I see it, it sex really is a problem between spouses, then seek help. Go to a doctor. I am totally against the idea of her fucking another man just to satisfy herself and intend to stay faithful to her as well.

    Open relationship or what, it does not warrant a ‘free-pass’ to fuck arnd. Thats is one of the reason why you get married; to stop fucking arnd but to fuck each other. If her urge is so great that I cannot satisfy her, next best solution… buy her a sex toy.

  12. Well… I was actually one of the clowns who allowed her loved one to sleep around if he wanted it. We aren’t married, but he had a talk with me about such issues, and I actually loved him so much that I was willing to let him seek other pleasures should I not be able to please him in those areas… Like what you said, I loved him so much that I allowed it to happen, as long as he’s happy.

  13. 3P: well, if it ain’t real i wouldn’t mention it right? =P

    sohrab: i guess it is possible, but i think to the extent that perhaps it might be more of resignation than anything else? the resignation that you will never be able to please your partner in the way she can respond.

    Ben: true true. but then again, it could also be possible that you could be magically connected to someone on so many levels but not sex, right?

    Nahele: hmmm, funny how the more i think of this whole issue the more i become skeptical. not of the power of love and what it can do to people (well, perhaps partly), but of intentions. i’d say that its one thing for person A to see that person B is unhappy sexually with him/her and gives a “free pass” for person B to fuck around, and another for person B to actually request for that “free pass”.

    I’m not trying to be condescending here, but take a step back. If my husband or boyfriend tells me that he needs to fuck other people to derive pleasure, I’d be pretty damn hurt both emotionally and in pride.

    Would I allow my own partner/husband to get that “free pass”? I’d say no. I’d probably try to work it out with him and see how I can help. Unless of course he has kinks like BDSM or urolagnia or he’s into cross-dressing.

    Anyway, my point of this entire post is because I cannot fathom how a person can allow his wife to fuck another person, I hence pose the question to the rest of the world. The fact that the couple has been married for a long time baffles me even more. If, before marriage, you find out that you just don’t share the same sexual interests, then why even bother being together?

  14. check out this movie: “I think I love my wife”, starring chris rock.

  15. mark: the movie is about self-restraint, to not cheat on one’s wife. but my question remains, would you give explicit permission for your wife to go have sex with someone else?

    not entirely about cheating there =)

  16. Yes and No… If you are already connected to someone on so many levels.. then sex should be no issue already. Cause the moment you allow her to sleep arnd, then the problem of trust and loyalty pose a very big problem in the relationship. Then its opening another can of worms. And if you are already so connected to someone on many other levels, i am sure there’s always no problem of sex.

  17. Ben: so how does this happen in real life?

  18. Haha… good question… maybe someone DO love their partner enough to give the ‘Free-pass’…. but i am not one who will.

  19. Perhaps it’s because some people (mainly guys I suppose) have the ability to separate emotional connectedness and physical pleasure. Say A wants more from B, but B is unable to provide the physical pleasure that A wants. But because A is connected on many levels with B, he/she is not willing to part with the other party, and hence seek for a ‘free pass’ from B to fuck around.

    Sometimes a couple can be so used to each other, that they rather not destroy that stability, but just allow that one party to fuck around. A is satisfied, B is also satisfied, and there you go, you have two happy satisfied people.

    Ok, am I making sense??

  20. Ben: haha, i guess alot of us don’t =)

    Nahele: hmmmm i kinda see what you’re trying to say here, but it takes a whole lot of lovin to be able to do that for someone i think?or rather, it takes a very enlightened person to see it that way, and allow for each other to do that simply out of love and the knowledge that they are able to satisfy each other in other ways except for sex. who knows =)

  21. I’ve really had to think this through. If you truly believe in marriage for what it was intended to be, then no, sex outside the bonds of marriage is unacceptable. Marriage is a commitment. Forsaking all others .. For better or worse ..

    If you feel that little about the commitment then it would be best to let the spouse go.

    There is always a way to make time for sex.

  22. hMmmm. perhaps to the couple, sex is a non-issue and hence the husband is big-hearted about it?

  23. i have to be honest. my thinking is very traditional when it comes to marriage. being married myself i’d have to say if my wife isn’t happy with how often she’s getting it, let me know and i’ll step up my efforts or buy her a vibrator something/anything other than another man.

    the best part of sex is pleasing each other. there is nothing that brings one person closer to another. the bible says “they become one flesh” and that is what it means. one. marriage is a unity. and to “allow” your spouse to screw around on the side, in my opinion, shows little regard for the sanctity of the marriage vows.

  24. lerxst: yeah i’d agree with the vibrator part. and i’d agree that the best part of sex is pleasing each other. but what really baffles me is that, if two people really love each other that much, how is it that they can’t seem to have hot sex?

  25. Things that make you hmmmm … 🙂

  26. lerxst: haha, should it be “things that i’d find out when i get older”?


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