Baaad Sex.

It has happened to everyone. Hey, the good times always come with the bad. Although for anyone’s sake, I hope it doesn’t happen too often. I don’t know how often people get bad sex, but for me it doesn’t occur too frequently, and I thank my lucky stars for that. But for entertainment value, how many bad sex situations can one find themselves in?

1. Smegma AKA Penis Cheese.
Whenever I meet someone new, my biggest worry is Penis Cheese. I mean, imagine getting all hot and heavy with the person, you start to tear his clothes off, take his pants off, and prepare to give him a glorious night when you ask yourself, “What’s that white stuff over there?” People, penis cheese IS real, and it has happened to a couple of my friends. Of course there really isn’t a right thing to do in these situations, you either decide to not go ahead with it, or you just take it all in. Either way, the lesson to be learnt is this, please do take care of your personal hygiene “down there”. This includes both men and women. Yes, women get cheese too!

2. Dental (nasal) floss.
Nobody likes going down on someone and having to find their way through the thick jungle. Would you pass me a torchlight, darling? Nothing is worse than trying to give someone a good time, at the same time having to fight with bits of your foliage getting stuff in between the teeth. If you don’t want to shave, at least please trim. I’ve got a sensitive nose, so if your bits start getting in my nose and I start sneezing halfway through, its not my fault.

3. Pee
Anyone who has done oral sex would be pretty familair with this. Its when your partner decides not to wash/clean up after themselves after they pee. Can you imagine giving someone head and then having to fight with the smell of pee? Now add the smell of cum. Yes. The smell of cum and the smell of pee. Not very pretty. So guys, if you are ever on a date with a girl and you expect some kind of sexual activity going on after, please clean up after you visit the washroom. This does not entail only washing your hands. An ex would wipe with toilet paper after he was done if he was expecting a blowjob after that. Another would actually take a bath before sex, but that was provided he was doing it in a proper room with shower facilities. And girls, if you think wiping from back to front after you pee is enough, think again.

4. Other unwanted body hair.
This was from an incident related to me by a friend, whose friend was at a girl’s place after a great night out. You don’t need a very active imagination to figure out what happens next. So when all clothes were off, friend’s friend (a guy) stared in shock at the girl’s underarms. She wasn’t shaved, nor plucked, nor waxed. To top it all off, she raised them proudly and asked, “Don’t you find it sexy?” Well, some of us just don’t appreciate body hair like you do.

5. Body fat
I have nothing against fat people, and I have nothing against body fat. Everyone is a little chubby here and there, but if you know you have a bulging tummy, please do not attempt to get your girl to give you a blowjob when you’re standing up. Chances are, your tummy will submit to the forces of gravity, and the girl would have to actually use one hand to prop UP your bulging tummy before she can actually FIND Mr Happy. Not very pleasureable now, is it?

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10 Comments

  1. Sex and personal hygiene go hand in hand. Don’t care if you’ve been married 20 years or it’s a first date. Respect your partner and clean things up!

  2. eeeeewwww… you are the queen. of hookup screwups 😛

  3. Oh man, that was painful to read. Painful because it’s all so true…. man. No more bad sex pleaze????

  4. lerxst: yep yep, good hygiene is always a turn on anyway =)

    mark: thanks ah =P

    v: haha, i’m pretty sure bad sex is like the common cold, there’s no way to ever avoid it.

  5. its kinda like the people at uni that think they can get away without showering – dude, the whole damn class knows that you didn’t take a bath last night!

  6. Phinehas: I’m sure its not just at Uni but everywhere else. There are people I know who don’t shower in the morning when they get up, but they are the kinds who shower before they sleep at night. I’m the kind who showers both before sleep and after I wake in the morning, I can’t seem to function in the day without having a shower first thing in the morning. I’m OCD that way =P

    Anyway, the point is that, some people have the courtesy to use a little deodorant or perfume/cologne even if they don’t shower in the morning, others, apparently, prefer to go au naturel. Which, in this tropical heat, is not a good idea at all. Ewww..

  7. I won’t mention which school I’m in, but it’s one of the 5 polytechnics. Early morning you share a lift with this china male student. He’s dressed in a crumpled shirt [as in very crumpled] and pants with those elastic bands securing it at the waist. Oh, I forgot to add, slippers. He hasn’t had a haircut for 3 months and he hasn’t shaved in a month. He smells of.. overfried fish?

  8. PL: haha, I know the NTU and NUS students reading can identify with this; it’s 8am in the morning and you’re rushing for your first class. You get on the shuttle service from hall to go to the LT. Its crowded as usual, and the bus is PACKED. You’re squeezed in next to this GROUP of mentioned students, who don’t see the point in having a daily shower in our tropical heat OR think of brushing their teeth.

    We’re all victims of bad hygiene one way or another =P

  9. Do a chin stubble and messy moustache count as unwanted body hair?
    I hope so.
    Because I can never imagine sleeping with a girl like that.

  10. LOL! Neither can i, actually =P


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