3:00AM

The clock beeped. Its digital face which had LED backlights would launch into a mini performance of changing colours everytime the hour ended and another began. Tonight, it seemed to be mocking me for being unable to fall asleep again.

For some reason, every night before I go to bed I think of the same person. Every night the same questions run through my head. Every night I tell myself that if I believed in making wishes upon shooting stars, I would wish, hope, and even pray that by a stroke of luck, or a miracle even, that I would be part of his life. I don’t even want to be his lover, but dear God, is it really so hard to be his friend even? Or would you not even grant me that tiny weeny chance?

Every night I would wonder why I must always find out by proxy about his life, the things he’s doing, the people he meets? Why must it be that, whenever I find out, I always wonder if its someone new in his life? And that little girl in me, the one who used to develop the schoolgirl crushes and secretly hopes for a chance, would always ask no chance already, isit?

And then, almost a knee-jerk reaction, I’d mentally smack myself on the head and remind myself that we’re both not suited to be lovers. And I’d find myself having to rephrase my question, no chance to even be friends, isit?

Then the thoughts would wander off somewhere else, but never veering far away. The same word always pops back into my head. Why?

I am sick and tired of the word Why, it seems. Perhaps that is the reason for my sleeplessness.

Yet, the questions remain. The most important being, will I ever get to find out more about you than you have already told me (which is not much to begin with), will I ever get to find out about your life from you, instead of through something else?

Gah, it hurts to know that you’re being replaced by other people. Then again, its even more disappointing to know that perhaps you didn’t even take a place significant enough to be replaced. You were just, pushed aside.

I feel like a schoolgirl all over again, with the silly crush. Except that this time, instead of praying for someone to like me, I’m only praying to be his friend.

So many questions, but no answers at all.

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I’m speeding by the place that I met you,
For the ninety-seventh time tonight.

“Someday We’ll Know”, The New Radicals

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15 Comments

  1. Ah Love,
    Could You and I with fate conspire,
    Grasp this whole scheme entire,
    Could not we crush it to bits,
    And remould it to our hearts desire.

  2. But so what if you become his friend? The questions that race through your mind, each time you hear his voice, or each time you see something that reminds you of him, will keep coming back. Has he met someone new? What is he doing now? Why has he not called in such a long time? Am I still his friend?

    Sometimes two people just aren’t meant to be even friends, for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes you just have to be content that this person came into your life once, and just leave it as that.

    😦

  3. I could launch into a long argument about how and why friends could be better than being nothing at all, and how friends are better than being lovers, and how being friends would mean that eventually you learn to let go of the baggage that comes when you like a person in a romantic way. Letting go of all that baggage means seeing the person as a friend and not someone you’ll obsess over.

    But that all wouldn’t mean anything, would it?

  4. I feel that if one could treat someone he/she once felt romantically for as a friend, it has to come about naturally, what’s the point of trying too hard to be friends? When one trys too hard, it usually doesn’t work out and like the tooth fairy says it’ll go back to the same old routine. Thinking like that might be an obsession on its own.

  5. its not about trying, its about finding the time and place.

    and obviously the time and place is not now.

  6. you need an extra strong bloody mary. and a nice emo tune.

  7. bloody mary? ew!

    make that a whiskey on rocks. a double. lol.

  8. an acquired taste, my young apprentice.

    on the rocks? straight up and no younger than 12 years.

  9. bloody mary?? yuckk noo..

    i second the bit about the whiskey though =P

  10. Haha. Yes, it probably wouldn’t mean anything. Been there, done that. Wasn’t too successful 🙂

    But yeah.. actually it does work if one doesn’t “try” to be friends. With time and distance.. everything becomes that much easier. You wake up one day, and that dark cloud disappears, and you get to see him in a totally different “friend” ligth.

  11. tooth fairy: *nod* yep =)

  12. Thanks for posting that.

    It’s good to know I’m not alone.

    Well, yeah, I guess I KNOW most other people face similar stuff at some point.

    but it’s … good to be reading it from the horses mouth anyway.

    Different.

  13. sneexe: strange isn’t it, the human experience is almost the same, yet we are always almost alienated by them

  14. yup. simultaneously isolated. sux.

  15. oh well =)


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