Haywired.

It has occurred to me that it is always during the rare occassion of emotive expression that we find ourselves the most vulnerable. Isn’t it when, you’re left alone to your thoughts that you feel the most vulnerable, that whatever walls you put up, the armour and the masks you wear suddenly vanish, and all that’s left is just, you?

It’s funny how we never really feel like that until we’re alone, left with our own thoughts, in the environment you feel the most comfortable. It could in the comforts of your bed, under the duvet. It could be in a corner of your room, with all the lights off, and it’s just you, the darkness, and the whirring of the fan. It could be under the table, secured by the (often) wooden structure, away from the rest of the world. It is then that everyone feels their most vulnerable and at the same time, the most comfortable. In that little comfort zone, you become yourself again.

Sometimes, it doesn’t even matter where you are, as long as you’re alone. All those times, plugged into our headphones, while you’re in the cab, on the bus, on the car’s stereo. How often have you sat there, with your favourite tunes, zoned out with thoughts of “what ifs” of the future you often play out in your head but never comes into being, of all the cherished moments and memories, wondering if you’ll never feel them again. Its strange how our favourite music are always those that bring meaning. Not into our lives, but of our lives. Our favourite songs always seem to be those that are able to validate our emotions, our experiences, how we really feel, what we yearn to feel, who we really want to be.

I was often told that when I’m left alone in the corner, I turn pensive and moody. But that’s because when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts, my favourite tunes playing from my iPod, I think of many things. I think of all the “could have beens”, of all the “what ifs”, of all the “what I could have done”, and then, optimistically, I think of what I could do to make things better, what could really happen to make all the wrongs right. Then the cynic in me stops myself dead and reminds me that it could never happen because “”your chance is gone, or you never even had it in the first place”. There was never a chance. Then, you start to yearn, for people, for things, for memories that will never be yours.

Perhaps this is the reason for my sleepless nights.


Can you tell me how we got in this situation?
I can’t seem to get you off my mind ’cause
After all, we’re only human,
Always fighting what we’re feeling, hurt instead of healing.
After all, we’re only human,
Is there any other reason why we stay instead of leaving?

— “Human”, Jon McLaughlin

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2 Comments

  1. Beautiful. You’ve hit the nail on the head. Exactly how I feel.

    Recently I’ve been having plenty of ‘bus’ moments as well, along with my trusty ipod. I make a conscious effort to stay away from songs that would tug at my heart-strings, but inevitably always find myself straying back to them. Just one song would set everything else off.

    And now I’m going to add one more song to my list. (: Thanks.

  2. =) thank you.

    There are probably plenty of girls with the same name as you, but yours comes across as awfully familair. Hmm. Just a random thought =)


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