Subsumed.

There are always perils of being part of a couple, most of the time, more so for the girl than in the guy. I wonder why, really. When a relationship forms, it always seems that the guy is still able to go out and meet his friends, meet new people, have a life, while the girl is expected to, well, follow whereever the guy goes.

Which I personally find rather disturbing. It’s not like  the girl doesn’t have a life of her own prior to the relationship, and its not like she needs to be with the guy, to be part of the guy in order for herself to feel whole. Perhaps, this may be the case for some girls out there, that she has to be part of someone else’s life in order to feel whole, but a better number of us perhaps, just don’t feel the same way.

So what is it about relationships that expect women to be the more giving partner compared to the men? Even in marriage, the woman, more often than not, is expected to stay at home to do the chores, take care of the kids, etc. Basically, to stay at home to await the return of the husband.

How many times has this happened to your friends in relationships? The girl is constrained by the fact that she either has to follow the guy around and wait for him to be done with his life before she can commence hers.

What is the logic in all that? Simply because we are seen as the fairer sex, does not mean we are the weaker sex. We do not need to be around men all day, at their beck and call, waiting for something to happen, in order to feel fulfilled. Us girls are as capable as any other guy out there in going out to lead an equally, if not even more fulfilling life without having to be by the side of the guy.

Who said the identity of the girl has to be subsumed once she gets into a relationship with another guy? Why can’t she go out and have fun in her own right, without having to look back every now and then behind her shoulders to make sure the boyfriend is behind and nodding in acknowledgement that “yes, I approve of this”.

It really pisses me off how some guys just expect their girlfriend to be there. They expect her to go everywhere they go, they take for granted she has no plans for herself whatsoever, and they expect her to do whatever it is that needs to be done, especially so if they’re living together.

Come on guys, you’ve got a girlfriend, not a maid. If you want someone to cook, clean, and sew for you with no other obligations, get a maid. If you want someone to follow you around wherever you go, get a dog.

If you really want a girlfriend, treat her the way you’d treat  everyone else. As an individual fully capable of leading her own life without you having to be around all the time.

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13 Comments

  1. Well said. I sense a feminist under the skin. But still, you are looking at the ideological mindset that has been with Man since the beginning of God knows when.

    Still, every small step counts one guess. Baby steps for now…

  2. There is a Feminist in every girl, although I’d always like to say that Feminism as we know it is a load of bullcrap, because women would always be the fairer sex, though not necessarily the weaker.

    But that doesn’t stop girls from standing up for themselves because gone are the days when the man is supposed to be the protector of women because I know a whole lot of men who aren’t like that.

    That being said, some women are just asking for it when they willingly get their own identities as individuals subsumed under the facade they call a relationship, nothing is ever worth doing that to yourself, losing your own personality and your entire self in the process.

    Then again, it’s just my two cents worth.

  3. True. Losing their identities is not worth it but I’m sure that even though the majority of such cases happen to women, such cases still happen to men as well albeit they form the minority.

    Perhaps it’s not a factor of sex but rather how the individual perceives himself or herself in the relationship and the relationship between his/her self-worth and the value of them being together. 🙂

  4. True, but as you said, Men have been historically the dominant sex in society, so its not that much surprising if women tend to “shy away” from their former selves compared to the Men.

    Although I wouldn’t hesitate to highlight that if Men allowed themselves to be subsumed into a relationship, letting the female dominate, he would invite all kinds of insults from the “Brotherhood”, don’t you think?

    Looks like we can’t satisfy everyone now can we.

  5. True (just for the sake of continuing the “true” repiles lol). But one might observe in some societies that sometimes women’s “former selves” do not exist at all. There is no stage that they can return to since being the Other of him is all they know. For them, empowerment does not exist since it has become a way of life and if you even dare to point it out to them (which I know of a person who did try to point out the patriarchal notions binding womanhood in that society) you are more likely to get a rebuke from them instead of a thank-you. What then do you suggest to these women who only know of servility under men, who depend on the men for their livelihood?

    I think I am drifting away from the topic >.> One last thought, the “Brotherhood” doesn’t as much exist as criticism that arises from the male Self as he tries to live up to society’s view of masculinity. One thinks it is more of how he thinks of himself in others’ eyes rather than actually receiving insults from the “Brotherhood” no?

  6. On your first pt, is it a result of the dichotomous relationship between modernity and tradition that it is how we see such women because of certain notions that have formed in our own society? In other words, a sort of “project” that we have on these women who are often, although not always, from the third world, or less developed societies?

    It does sound like I just shot myself in the foot there with that statement but it does seem like so, doesn’t it?

    On your second point, so it is more the issue of ego rather than anything else?

  7. hey girl..personally i feel that what you said is true..
    but most girls nowadays are in fact more dominating than the guys in the new generation..it happens so much so that i’m starting to feel that these young teenagers are trying to set a trend..a trend on guys being the submissive ones..
    i do agree with you on this one..cause the one i’m after is an individualist..i am a possessive person myself..u try not to control..but hope she’s more “auto” in some ways..
    there were past relations when i was submitting all the way to the extend where i was taken for granted..and when i finally couldn’t take it i called it a break..
    but she cried and all that jazz..
    see..sometimes its not the guys who doesn’t want to treat our partner equally but girls(no offence) nowadays tend to be too materialistic and try to climb over the guy’s head and pee..and this is where i go back to my previous point..maybe its just a trend..but certainly..both parties deserve equal amount of respect and privacy in each of their life..

  8. 1.One doesn’t see a relationship between modernity and tradition that effects the projection of certain notions. Might you perhaps explicate on that? I don’t really get it.

    2.No worries about shooting yourself in the foot, feminism is quite twisted. There never seems to be a proper solution for anything and everything is just theoretical.

    3. If you are using “ego” the way I think you are using, ie “those egoistical bastards!!!” then yes, perhaps it’s more of an issue of ego. This is just a conjecture though, I must add the disclaimer.

  9. Who cares? I’d be proud of my girl if she is able to balance her own life. I don’t need someone hanging on my coattails 24/7, and I’m sure she doesn’t either. But I do know girls who are like that, for whatever reasons. That ain’t healthy anyway. Only MCPs or immature people want their girl to be subservient and docile. Heck, just buy a sheep if you want someone like that. The boredom would probably kill me.

  10. 1. well, the modern woman is often seen as someone who is (relatively) educated, hence more independant, while the third woman (traditional) woman is often seen as less educated, more dependant on the man. but, this could also be interpreted as a form of projection by the modern woman on the third world woman as such. I don’t know if its clear enough but I’m trying to explain it as succinctly as possible..haha..

    2. Which is why I always think Feminism is a load of bullcrap haha

    3. Yes, haha =P

  11. Ecstasy>> haha, a friend has a friend who wants his girlfriend to be a virgin while he doesn’t have to be one. Now tell me that isn’t fucked up.

    I think sometimes, this whole thing is not really about being MCP or immature, when two people start spending alot of time together and it inevitably happens, sometimes without the guy knowing it because he is just so used to having the girl around, likewise for the girl.

    I think the problem only arises when both parties KNOW its happening and allow it happen.

    A very fine line I suppose, but there is a difference.

  12. Alright, I get what you mean by Point Number 1 already. What we think is good for the traditional woman in the perspective of the modern woman, in fact may not be good for the traditional woman from her perspective, yes?

  13. Happy New Yr, may all your future endeavours come true.


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