Good sex. Bad sex.

There’s good sex, and there’s bad sex. We all know that.

The thing is, how do you define good sex & bad sex? Must there always be orgasm to define good sex?

This has got the be the most shocking revelation ever on my blog;
I can’t have orgasms. Or rather, I have difficulty achieving them. I’d probably only had one or two in my entire life.

So what defines good sex for people like me then?

If good sex = orgasm, then must it necessarily mean I’ve never had good sex in my life (save for that couple of times)?

I think, good sex is not just about getting an orgasm. It’s about doing it at the right place, the right time, with the right person. It doesn’t have to last over an hour, or 15 minutes. It’s not about the length of time.

It’s about being comfortable with that person, knowing exactly what makes each other feel good. Doing the right thing, at the right time.

Isn’t that what good sex should be?



  1. I guess the question revolves around what was different when you did have an orgasm. Were they with the same person each time? Were you alone? Have you tried a vibrator? What was the same and what was different? Did it take a long time?

    I know many women who cannot orgasm through intercourse but have no trouble through oral sex or masturbation. My first wife took about a half an hour to reach orgasm. She couldn’t cum through intercourse. This was not a problem, we just took our time. She still had an orgasm at least once a night—and she tended to masturbate in the afternoons. So despite the time factor, she wasn’t thwarted. She was willing to take as long as it took.

    Guys and girls are different when it comes to sex and orgasms, as with many things. One can have bad sex and still reach orgasm, but orgasms themselves are good and bad. A good orgasm can erase a lot of bad sex. A bad orgasm can ruin good sex. Sex with no orgasm is just frustrating. An orgasm with no sex; well, who knows.

    Women don’t seem so hung up on orgasms by and large, but this is not true for all women. For some the path is the best, but without the orgasm, they may feel cheated.

    For some women, it is about being with the right person, in the right place, at the right time, but for some guys, just having someone available is good enough for good sex. In the end, it is all pretty individual, but it is all in the mind.

  2. I know it’s bad form to cite Freud… but here goes. Freud discussed the innate tension invovled in sexual acts. He talks about how the end goal is ejaculation for men, and I suppose a vaginal orgasm for women… though women don’t really matter much in his grand scheme o things. But he poses the question- if the end goal of sex is the reproductive act of orgasm and ejaculation… why do things like oral sex and other forms of foreplay exist? The answer is that it is the tension that’s the truly enjoyable part- stretching it out, savoring it, saying “nooo” when we really mean “more.”

    Orgasm isn’t the mark of good sex. Sure, it is a factor. But not the final word. Good sex lies in the foreplay.

    In my personal opinion, good sex leaves you feeling exaughsted, out of breath like you just ran a marathon, and completely unable to form a complete sentence.

    “Was it good for you?”

  3. notorious>> haha, i think it’s bad to cite from freud too but he does make sense in that it is the tension that is what is most enjoyable. =)

  4. This must have been one of the simplest questions asked here.
    Good sex is the one you like. Bad sex is the one you don’t want to remember…shudders…
    Anyway, you’ve answered the question yourself. Are you having some sort of sexual anxiety by asking it? Hehe.

  5. It’s like anything else involving an end state or goal: It’s all about the journey. For some it takes longer or harder work to get where they want to be, but what matters is how fulfilling you make the path and the connection you have with whoever takes it with you. That includes yourself.

    Some are selfish and only care about the finish line. Others simply enjoy the moments along the way, with the finish being icing on the cake. Besides, the cake isn’t as good if you get it right away. Instant gratification tends to be underwhelming.

    If you have good sex, there will be no doubt about it.

  6. Chaosm>> haha..simple..but not straightforward..and no..i’m not having any sexual anxiety..why are you looking to appease yours? 😉

    mik>> yeah..thats true..i guess different people have different ways of defining good sex isn’t it

  7. haha…are you curling your finger and mouthing ‘come on here?’
    Yes, I’m a simple person. And no, I don’t seek to appease sexual anxieties, too. Probably like you, it’s a mind thing – to be wanted.

  8. Chaosm>> haha I practice subtlety, ALOT of it, so no, I’m not curling my finger and mouthing “come on here” =P Oh, and I don’t make the first move either..haha

    I think deep down inside we all are simple people seeking pleasures that are only complicated by other people.

    And yes, being wanted is just like intellectual sex, if you can draw the parallels. 🙂

  9. Pardon me, but intellectual sex brings to my mind’s eye two naked bodies lying on the bed in a room strewn with textbooks and lecture notes, and they are pleasing each other to recitations and arguments of certain quotes in Chapter 69 of the Advanced Love-making Guidebook for Intellectuals. Hmmm, almost like a scene in a hall room during exam season.
    Sex is simple. Love is complicated. But somehow, it never seems right to separate the two. So we can only pretend to be simple people.
    Mind if I curl my finger then? Haha.

  10. So at the end of the day, what then is true sex? Will it be something which satisfy both parties or one alone? I guess it’s the intimacy between two person and sharing his/ her likings to make him/ her… esp her… more comfortable and the saying goes… practice makes perfect… Hmmm…

    Wait a minute… I am not asking you to go get someone or anyone to do it till you are good. It’s not just doing or practicing alone but it’s the doing with someone, which you get intimate with. (Referring to marriage)

  11. Chaosm: LOL! intellectual sex is well..erm..more of flirting..not exactly mind games but..oh!! you get what i mean don’t you? at the end of the day it’s all about being wanted =)

    i’m sure some people will argue that you CAN separate love & sex, but then again it all depends on how you define love isn’t it.

    and yes you can curl away 😛

    Calvin: erm, well the whole pt of this post is not about true sex, but what defines good sex. there’s no such thing as true or false sex, sex is just sex. but there is a different between good sex and bad sex. and there’s no reference to marriage here either. and I don’t think its about practice, sure, there are things that you learn as you go along, but what’s the point of being good when there’s no chemistry?

  12. Skye, I have, never at any point, said that I am referring to what’s true sex and what’s not. What I want to say is that there has to be a connection between a male and female. Not just physical pleasures but another realm I am talking about… A point where a male and female connects so much so that there is an intensity and wanting to please one another. Where they know what each other want etc.

  13. Calvin: ok, well, it wasn’t made very clear in your previous comment..but relax yah

  14. Another good question. What is love actually?
    And of course you can separate love and sex. I call it doping. And sometimes when you dope too much, you tend to confuse the drug-giver with the drug-given, and fall in love with the person instead. Then you have the classical scenario of reverse relationship – sex, intimacy, love.
    So, have you been doping much, or are you a doper?

    *curls his finger*
    Your move…

  15. Damn… I mean separate love from sex. And I mean sex without love is doping.
    It’s hard to type with curly-wurly fingers.

  16. Chaosm: always the doper =)

    I’m sure you can do better than just a curl of the finger =P

  17. right on
    i think that was really well said

  18. it’s an emotional barrier. or perhaps something holding you back psychologically that prevents you from having one. i know of someone who saw a therapist for it. she did some sex therapy with the husband, and eventually ‘learnt’ how to come. it sounds bizarre, but from a medical standpoint, it’s really psychological.

  19. jon>> haha, you’re not the first one to tell me that =)

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