… and people say I’m hard to shop for.

In fact, please feel free to get me whatever you wish from All Saints Shop. It’s what the cool kids wear after we’re all grown up.

Stoned Cop

Cop eats some pot brownies and ends up freaking out and calling 911 worried that he overdosed. Apparently charges were not filed against the officer, but he was forced to resign.

I’d almost like to take a job as a 911 operator … just for a little while. I bet they hear really crazy shit like this all the time.

The Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer

The US military, concerned about the welfare of children whose parents are abroad spreading democracy (or whatever), have hit upon the brilliant idea of … wait for it … virtual parents.

The proposal outlines the idea as follows:

The child should be able to have a simulated conversation with a parent about generic, everyday topics. For instance, a child may get a response saying “I love you”, or “I miss you”, or “Good night mommy/daddy.” This is a technologically challenging application because it relies on the ability to have convincing voice-recognition, artificial intelligence, and the ability to easily and inexpensively develop a customized application tailored to a specific parent.

As fucked up as this is, I approve of this type of research. Before you say, “think of the children”, think of this: these kids are pretty much doomed anyway. Not having parents means they’ll statistically be at a disadvantage. Giving them a “friend” to talk to can’t possibly hurt, especially when one thinks of all the other internet stuff an unsupervised child might stumble upon.

And the applications could be much further-reaching than virtual parents. I’d go more into this, but your imagination is probably better than mine. Once again it seems the sci-fi writers have predicted the state of things to come.

Legal hallucinations

Here are a series of methods that will trick your brain into hallucinating. Is it just me or are some of these a little kinky?

High Kick Girl

You will now watch the trailer for High Kick Girl, after which you will want for nothing.


How to eat pussy

This is a pretty funny (and by that I mean “trashy”) guide on everyone’s favorite recreation: cunnilingus!

Now here’s some advice I have for you: never under any circumstance use any of that web page’s … uh … “euphemisms” when you’re attempting to go down or be gone down upon. It will end in serious fail.

Here are a few gems:

Instead of a screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik.

Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

Once you’re done, she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate.

Siberian nuclear reactors up for grabs

There are a bunch of burned out nuclear lighthouses sitting around Siberia. Even if this sort of thing doesn’t interest you, you should still check out the fucking awesome pictures.

Let me explain. The northern coast of Russia is a really convenient shipping route. The problem is that it’s mostly in the Arctic Circle and is under complete darkness for 100 days of the year. To work around this, the Soviet Union decided to build a chain of lighthouses along the coast. Being as how the coastline is hundreds of miles away from anything resembling civilization, the Soviets opted to make the lighthouses autonomous. At the time, the best way of doing this was by powering them with a mini nuclear reactor.

After the fall of the Soviet Union, the lighthouses were mostly forgotten by the government and fell into disrepair after decades of neglect. During that time, metal looters stripped the lighthouses for copper and other valuable scrap. Unfortunately a good bit of that metal was used for shielding the reactor, and now most of the lighthouses and surrounding area are radioactive dead zones.