… and people say I’m hard to shop for.

In fact, please feel free to get me whatever you wish from All Saints Shop. It’s what the cool kids wear after we’re all grown up.

I’d almost like to take a job as a 911 operator … just for a little while. I bet they hear really crazy shit like this all the time.

The proposal outlines the idea as follows:

The child should be able to have a simulated conversation with a parent about generic, everyday topics. For instance, a child may get a response saying “I love you”, or “I miss you”, or “Good night mommy/daddy.” This is a technologically challenging application because it relies on the ability to have convincing voice-recognition, artificial intelligence, and the ability to easily and inexpensively develop a customized application tailored to a specific parent.

As fucked up as this is, I approve of this type of research. Before you say, “think of the children”, think of this: these kids are pretty much doomed anyway. Not having parents means they’ll statistically be at a disadvantage. Giving them a “friend” to talk to can’t possibly hurt, especially when one thinks of all the other internet stuff an unsupervised child might stumble upon.

And the applications could be much further-reaching than virtual parents. I’d go more into this, but your imagination is probably better than mine. Once again it seems the sci-fi writers have predicted the state of things to come.

Related

Now here’s some advice I have for you: never under any circumstance use any of that web page’s … uh … “euphemisms” when you’re attempting to go down or be gone down upon. It will end in serious fail.

Here are a few gems:

Instead of a screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik.

Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

Once you’re done, she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate.

Let me explain. The northern coast of Russia is a really convenient shipping route. The problem is that it’s mostly in the Arctic Circle and is under complete darkness for 100 days of the year. To work around this, the Soviet Union decided to build a chain of lighthouses along the coast. Being as how the coastline is hundreds of miles away from anything resembling civilization, the Soviets opted to make the lighthouses autonomous. At the time, the best way of doing this was by powering them with a mini nuclear reactor.

After the fall of the Soviet Union, the lighthouses were mostly forgotten by the government and fell into disrepair after decades of neglect. During that time, metal looters stripped the lighthouses for copper and other valuable scrap. Unfortunately a good bit of that metal was used for shielding the reactor, and now most of the lighthouses and surrounding area are radioactive dead zones.

According to a recent article, Indiana BMV Communications Director Dennis Rosebrough states that applicants for a new or renewed operator’s license or state identification card will no longer be allowed to smile and say cheese. Apparently new facial recognition software being employed by the state fails to function when the face is distorted by something as innocuous as smiling. Also on the list of taboos are hats, eyeglasses, and hair that hangs down over the face.

Protip: Your facial recognition software is broken if it is foiled by something as simple as a smile. Also, I think Slash is fucked with that last sentence.

A host of common chemicals is feminizing males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people. Many have been identified as ‘endocrine disruptors’ or gender-benders because they interfere with hormones. Communities heavily polluted with gender-benders in Canada, Russia, and Italy have given birth to twice as many girls as boys, which may offer a clue to the mysterious shift in sex ratios worldwide. And a study at Rotterdam’s Erasmus University showed that boys whose mothers had been exposed to PCBs grew up wanting to play with dolls and tea sets rather than with traditionally male toys. It also follows hard on the heels of new American research which shows that baby boys born to women exposed to widespread chemicals in pregnancy are born with smaller penises and feminized genitals. It is calculated that 250,000 babies who would have been boys have been born as girls instead in the US and Japan alone. And sperm counts are dropping precipitously. Studies in more than 20 countries have shown that they have dropped from 150 million per milliliter of sperm fluid to 60 million over 50 years.

I’d like to think that genetic engineering your child’s gender will advance to the point where this is no longer relevant, but still… kind of ominous.